ay dios mio: January 2009

Hello everyone and welcome to the University of Illinois at Champaign Urbana. I would like to give a special welcome to The Golden family! Its good to know that Samuel will hopefully be following his big brother, Jim’s, foot steps and attending school here in the fall! (to someone up front) Old family friends. (to the whole group) Alright, lets get this tour started and pump you full of some orange and blue. As you can see we are on the quad in front of the Student Union. The union is a great hub to meet your fellow class-mates for a quick bite or study session. Once a month they have Illini-nites, which offers a lot of straight edge, good clean sober fun, like mini-golf or really bad improv. Follow me! Slightly behind the union there is the natural history building where there are a lot of stupid rocks and shit and right here is the fountain where Jim Golden used to pee every night on his way home from the bars freshman year! He got a pretty expensive ticket one time, I think it was for like $200 and told his parents he needed the money to buy a new chemistry book because his got stolen. But really it was for a ticket for public urination! Isn’t the quad beautiful this time of year? You can get a good look at the changing foliage no matter what the season is through the west windows of the chemistry building. It might give you something to look forward to, because if you are chemistry major, there is no way you are going to be getting any ass. Unless you are as smooth as some people, say a certain James Golden who has quite a way with the ladies. He could often be found hanging out right there behind this building, smoking pot in between classes and talking up smart girls. Of course he always swore he wasn’t into any of them. One time, right by this tree, Jim and I had an argument over this very matter that resulted in me throwing a latte on him. I said “What? Am I not smart enough for you? Is that why you need to spend 25 minutes talking to Kathy Baker from Pochohantas, IL every goddamn Monday and Wednesday when you are supposed to be meeting me at Espresso for our after class coffee? Or is it just because her blowjobs are better then mine?” and he said, you will not believe this Mrs. Golden, he said “Well, your blow jobs aren’t very good.” I threw my coffee on him and stormed off! What kind of mother raises her son to say things like that? (takes a moment to catch her breath)Anyway, this is Davenport Hall. I’m not really sure what classes are in there, but for some reason there’s always a lot of Grafitti on the front steps. Maybe a lot of those Allen hall kids have class there. They are the artsy-fartsy, hippie kids who come to class and do stupid presentations that involve a lot of props and extra material or drumming. And this, my friends, this is Follinger hall. This is where I always imagined Jim might propose to me. Right here on the front steps. Or maybe on the roof. They often have big concerts here organized by the University. Usually big names. Just two nights ago Ryan Adams played. I went to the show but was not that into it. Although he writes heartbreaking music, he’s kind of a dick on stage. And he wasn’t playing any of my favorites, so I left early thinking that I could catch Jim after his lab. I took a short cut to his house, and you will learn all the short cuts throughout your four years here, guys. But I went that way, over the library (don’t worry, we’ll get to why its underground!) and down Gregory to his apartment on 4th Street. I’m right in front of his building and I call him to let me up when I hear his phone ring coming from the car directly behind me. And what to my wondering eyes should appear but Jim Golden going down on some chemistry slut in the back seat of some fucking toyota Camry. Its not even Kathy whats her face, but this girl I remember from rush week freshman year.

(tbc...)