I guess it runs in the family

Fake College Essays by THE Remy Schwartz

Dear Long Island State University,

The following essays to complete my application for freshman admission. I am sending my these separately because it was the only section of my online application I had yet to complete when my father accidentally activated a powerful electro magnet he had been secretly building in the basement as an anniversary gift to my mother. The questions are in the order they were asked on the application. Thank you for your time.

What kind of tree am I? I would say that I'm probably most like a dogwood. I've always really liked dogs. I mean, I can really connect to a dog. I know what it's like to be someone's pet. It's horrible. People are always saying that dog is man's best friend, but that phrase always makes me really mad. I mean, did anyone ask the dog? The last time I checked, which was recently, friendship is usually mutual. I mean, if it's not mutual, what makes it different than rape? Right? Well my dog is not my best friend, because I could not verify that information with him and I know your strict policy on academic dishonesty. Seriously though, I've had a dogwood in my backyard my entire life. It's not that it's even pretty or anything, but if you climb it you can see into my neighbors bathroom. Until she got that restraining order, I used to watch her daughter sometimes. That trees grown a lot since then, it must have an awesome view now.
Or Maybe beached wood. You know, beached wood, like wood that washes up on a beach? Because this one time, I was on my uncle's boat out in the middle of Fox Lake. You know, in McHenry County? Well anyway I was pretty drunk on the boat, and I washed up on the beach wrapped in an afghan. And by drunk I mean more that I had a pretty bad cold, and I was all hopped up on cough syrup. I mean like, seriously tripping, hallucinations and all. Not like, Robitussen or anything. It was probably more like Mucinex, because you know, I was pretty congested. But like a lot of Mucinex, I mean that stuff really gets my goat, you know? Anyways I woke up, bare ass naked on the beach. Just a man, nature, and an afghan. It was actually the afgan my grandfather knit when he was hiding in his attic from Nazis during the invasion of Poland. However, I must say that my sinuses were surprisingly clear. So that's what kind of tree I am.
* * *
Why do I want to be a Mongoose? Hmm, let's think about that­­– do you mind if I answer your question with my own question? Good. Why wouldn't I want to be a Mongoose! That's a better question, right? I know, I know. Seriously though, lets break that question down. First, why wouldn't I want to be a Mongoose? Second, why would I want to be a Mongoose? Well, first, I do want to be a Mongoose, so it's irrelevant. Second, well– tradition, maybe? That's a big one, I'd probably say. Maybe because you've got like the best non-tennis racket sports programs in the country. Definitely, the academics have something to do with it. Mainly the campus is just breathgrabbing. It just grabs the breath out of my chest. Gone. I can't hear you, I'm not really breathing right now. I would say that diversity is a pretty big deal to me. It's pretty high on my list of criteria for what I look for in a school. I would say it's probably the– fourth most important factor. However, it is important to specify that it's not necessarily diversity I'm looking for, but more of a lack there of? Do not end a sentence in a preposition!
Let me explain. When I was in the fourth grade, I had an oriental baby sitter, and the whole situation just made everyone really uncomfortable. Oh sorry, "Asian American." My parents realized the flaw of this decision after she had left. We got off on a bad foot because my father is a collector of artifacts from the internment camps in the forties. My house is literally covered in memorabilia of Japanese bondage. It just soured the taste of diversity for me, and I was hoping it was something I could avoid. I'm not really a big fan of change, and I feel like maybe your school would accommodate that mindset. Maybe you guys have like whites only dorms? That'd be awesome. So yeah, if diversity is at all avoidable that would definitely be preferable for me.
Then, of course, there is Greek life. At my school, we used to have Olympic day once a year where we would all wear togas and do obstacle courses and eat gyros. Those were always so much fun, and I see that you guys offer a more intensive version of that. That's really attractive to me. I could definitely see myself, you know, living the Greek life all the time! Actually, now that you bring it up, a funny thing happened on the way to the forum! Actually, that was a joke. That's a pretty bland walk, nothing funny usually happens.
* * *
I would say that my most prized possession is probably a cast iron statue of Andrew Jackson's head that I made in the eighth grade. I've always loved history, but there's something that draws me specifically to Andrew Jackson. It could be his eyes or maybe his constantly stern expressions. I honestly don't really comprehend the fascination. It's just that, well, I don't know. What a man he must have been, you know? A real hero, that Andrew Jackson. That's why he is on the twenty and Washington is on the one, because he's like twenty times better than old 'Wood Teeth'. Oh god, it's just– that forehead and those bangs... what I wouldn't give to just get lost in those bangs. I could wander around for days, really find myself. Take the time to discover me, the real me! Sometimes during class, I'll just stare at this one twenty dollar bill I have. I covered everything but the picture in hearts. I just stare and stare and think that I would just– I would just fuck his fucking brains out, you know?
I digress. Anyway, I've got this cast iron statue of his head in my room that I made. It's hollow and I like to put money through the hole in his mouth. He's roaring and his mouth is wide open. I always imagined him screaming a battle cry, something about killing Indians or something. Oh, sorry, "Native Americans." It's funny though, because there must be almost two or three hundred dollars in there, but not one single twenty. I didn't do it on purpose, I guess that it's just fate. Just a shitload of Washingtons. Old 'Wood Teeths'.
Like I said, I made A.J. in eight grade in my A.P. Fibers course. I really earned my welding stripes that semester. Besides the obvious aesthetic features, I picked Andy because he's kind of like my role model. A mentor, even. I really respect the honor and courage with which he fought in the Battle of New Orleans. He killed like a blood thirsty monster. Now you wonder why they call them redcoats. And throughout his life, he just killed SO many Indians! Oh, sorry, "Native Americans." My favorite nickname for him, because I've heard so many, is probably the Cajun Carnivore.
The other reason I chose him is to make a statement. It is a huge injustice that he was left off Mount Rushmore. I mean, who are these clowns in comparison to Andrew Jackson? THE Andrew Jackson. First, he had an extremely firm brow, which would have made him very easy to carve out of a mountain, and second, that mountain was conquered Indian land! What screams Andrew Jackson more than Indian Injustice? Oh, sorry, "Native American Injustice." Have you heard about this other mountain they are carving now, of "Crazy Horse"? Who the hell is Crazy Horse? Crazy Horse gets a mountain and Andrew doesn't? Does no one else find that nauseating? This is America! Not Native America! Oh sorry, "Native America". We should be carving mountains of blood-thirsty war mongers, not sick livestock. Seriously though, despite all of my disparaging comments towards Indians, I'm really proud of my Andrew Jackson head. I think it's because I made it myself, and I was in a full body cast that year because of my crippling scoliosis. And the detail is really impressive.


Thank you again for your time, I apologize if this complicates this process or adds any additional clutter to the Office of Admissions. I look forward to attending your fine institution.

Love,
Martin Landau
(No relation to Ed Wood/Crimes and Misdemeanors Martin Landau. Just a weird coincidence, my parents HATE Woody Allen.)